Blog

Preparing My Sons’ Hearts

October 28, 2011 by FamilyLife Leave a Comment

by Branden Descarpentrie

I admit I have some fear when I look at a mountain in front of me. I have three boys ages 9, 7, and 3 ½. My wife has reminded me that it is time to have the “talk” with our oldest son. You know- the one specifically about sex. Why is something I love doing with my wife, something God has given as a gift in marriage, so hard to talk about with him? It’s not the anatomy, biology, and explanation of “how this works” that scares me. It’s teaching him the much bigger principle of purity.

Teaching my son about purity will take more than a one-time conversation where I slap his back and send him on his merry way. This will require honest conversations about my successes and failures, time, and intentional planning on my part—seeking opportunities to build truth into him. For his part, it will require a heart bent toward God rather than self, not just right now, but when the searing heat of temptation is in front of him; and all of it alongside a culture that worships self-gratification and sexual freedom.

As a father, though, this is not a time to shrink back in fear from the mountain. It is time for courageous steps to be taken. My failure to act decisively in my son’s youth will have a negative impact on his future, and not just his, but also for the women he courts, his future marriage, my grandchildren, and yes, even his witness for Jesus Christ.

Below is an initial list of principles and topics around sexual purity that I plan to talk about from a biblical perspective with my son before he leaves my home. To be able to speak to him about difficult subjects like these will require me to foster an atmosphere of grace, openness, and honesty with him during his pre-teen and teenage years. If he doesn’t trust me, it will be difficult to pour God’s wisdom on these matters into his life:

Sex as part of God’s creation to be practiced according to His design.
Being truly sexually pure, not just avoiding intercourse before you get married.
Pornography and sexual implications around new technology.
How to handle peer pressure from other guys and aggressive girls.
Masturbation.
The importance of accountability.

Will you join me in courageously resolving to prepare your sons’ hearts, armed and ready for battle in the war on their purity? A great way to prepare for conversations like these is to visit the Sexual Purity Mentor Guide. In it you’ll find conversation starters, Bible passages, and a number of resources to help you.

Purity for a Lifetime

October 25, 2011 by FamilyLife Leave a Comment

by Karen Winkleman

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22 ESV)

Twenty-one years ago, we first heard “It’s a girl!”—and our lives changed forever! After three more girls, our days became full of fairy tales, dress-up clothes, and pink décor. Their first use of a chess set involved creating a wedding scene with the kings and queens. Those little girls have now grown into teens and college students. Dress-up clothes have turned into prom dresses, and…well, no one is really into pink anymore.

Purity has not been a one-time conversation in our home but an overall focus on our daughters’ hearts. Our desire for them is to see purity from an “inside-out” perspective, focused on a lifetime of keeping a heart pure before the Lord, rather than simply a pre-marital attitude. Proverbs 4:23 guides us: Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

The groundwork for this began early on. Like many moms, I’ve prayed for their future spouses and the purity of those young men, along with their salvation and spiritual growth. We talked about modesty before the girls knew why modesty should be important. We planted seeds in light-hearted conversations about the future…that boys interested in them would need to talk to their dad, that weddings should come before babies, etc. Their dad has modeled well what to expect from young men, taking the girls on “dates” and talking with them about a guy’s point of view.

Biblical encouragement from Christian radio, author Josh McDowell, and ministries like our own FamilyLife have guided us over the years. Each of my girls and I have fun memories from our weekend away working through Passport to Purity. Most recently, our youngest got a few bonus hours when I had to retrieve my forgotten purse from our hotel. Along the way she challenged me with more questions as we passed several XXX establishments beside the road!

These days, new conversations develop with our girls about “real-time” relationships. In addition to physical purity, we talk about standards for emotional purity as well. Texting, Facebook, and video chat establish a whole level of intimacy with the opposite sex before anyone realizes what has happened. Hearts are entangled, emotions get confused, and both “sides” of the relationship experience miscommunication. While physical boundaries have been kept, a heart boundary has been crossed. It is difficult to go back and re-establish that boundary later. One of my girls explained, “It’s like experiencing the pain of a break-up without having had the benefit of a real relationship in the first place.”

Outward purity is hard enough to pursue in today’s culture; inward purity for a lifetime is an even more challenging goal. As we choose to live with an eternal perspective, we encourage our girls to walk before God, the one who is “Holy, Holy, Holy.” We are excited to see how He will answer years of prayers. In the meantime, we will continue to pray for their hearts…and to talk, and talk, and then talk some more.

Spiritual Miss-Matched

October 19, 2011 by FamilyLife Leave a Comment

by Jim Mitchell

My wife and I are both Christians, but we’re not always spiritually matched. Let me explain.

No, we’re not what you would typically call a “spiritually mismatched” couple, where one spouse loves the Lord and yearns for his/her unbelieving spouse to embrace the truth of the Gospel. Many Christians are facing this heartbreaking struggle and I do not intend to equate my situation with theirs.

We’re also not like the couples where one spouse has passion for God while the other is lukewarm at best. No, we both have a desire to grow closer to God.

We’re more of a spiritual “miss-match.” We just keep missing each other and can’t seem to get on the same schedule when it comes to spiritual things. It looks something like this:

Sunday morning rolls around. She’s up early getting ready for church, while I’m moving slowly due to a long day of yard work the day before. When I finally ready myself for church, she’s already running behind because the kids won’t cooperate. Of course, I’m partly to blame due to the fact that I’ve not been very helpful… but I won’t admit it. And a fight breaks out on the way to church. So we enter into worship in a state of separation instead of oneness.

Or the week is in full flow (we both work full time), and I make a discovery in my quiet time that I’m excited to share that evening before bed. I look forward to it all day because I just know it will draw us together. The evening goes relatively smoothly, with dinner and bedtime rituals coming off without a hitch, and the time arrives for our moment of spiritual intimacy. Only, I never told her to clear space for that. And, unknown to me, she has papers to grade (full-time teacher) before she’ll have the luxury of falling asleep. So I catch the end of a late baseball game on the TV and wait. Before you know it we’re both asleep in different rooms with the lights on, the TV running, and her papers spread over the bed. Again, separation instead of oneness.

I could list many other examples. Songs that inspire her but don’t fit my taste… prayer times where one of us is distracted with outside life pressures… service opportunities that energize only one spouse’s gifting… etc.

What I’m discovering is that “missing” each other spiritually, being spiritually miss-matched, wasn’t avoided when we both said “I do” to the Gospel, just as being one in marriage didn’t magically happen when we said “I do” on our wedding day. There are just so many things working against spiritual intimacy in marriage that, I’m ashamed to say it, we miss more than we connect.

It takes forgiveness, patience, communication, and lots of other things that require energy. But as hard as it is, we work at it. Practical tips if you can relate:

1) Agree with one another to clear your minds on Sunday morning for worship. Just decide to set aside the worries of the world, come before the Lord, and “see Him just as He is” (1 John 3:2). This will help purify you and make you like Him… together.

2) Start somewhere. Set aside two minutes today to discuss real, heart matters. Even if that’s all you can spare today, it’s worth starting there. God will be pleased and He will draw you back for more.

3) When you pray, really pray. Even if it’s only a moment during the day, like before meals, don’t just bless the food… open your heart up to Him… especially you husbands. You are the spiritual leader. That just means you take the initiative to be vulnerable. And by opening up your inner life to your wife and kids (1 Thess.2:8), you will breathe life into your family. Take the initiative!

“God, forgive us. Please give us the strength to start again today. Draw us to You, together, at the same time, with the same mind. Please clear away the clutter of our lives. Please shield us today from the enemy who would keep us Christian, but spiritually miss-matched.

My Growth as a Step-Mom

September 29, 2011 by FamilyLife Leave a Comment

Alimony. Child support. Family court. Custody issues. Shared holidays. Messy relationships. Boundaries. Division. Are you reaching for the antacid yet? Sorry. I’ll stop there. None of this is what I had in mind as I lovingly said, “I do” over 16 years ago.

We came to know Christ individually after we were married. I am my husband’s second wife and I have an adult step-son. I thought it would be so easy because I love kids and I sure loved this four year old little boy and his dad. Nevertheless, we have experienced significant pain in the very real and complicated details of being a blended family. We can tell you that this is not God’s plan for a marriage or the precious children in them. If you are someone considering divorce, we would implore you to cry out to God for help (Psalm 145:19). Seek support through your church, pastor or you can start with eMentoring by clicking here.

Nineteen years later, I can tell you that we have survived only by the grace of God. He has intervened in our lives, but there are scars and wounds for this now young man. God has helped me as a step-mom to love him, his mom and their family. Growing in Christ has allowed me to see that I can love them all because He first loved me (1 John 4:19). He has taught me so much about laying down my life and joining in His suffering. He has helped me to see the sins of selfishness and jealousy in my own life. God has taught us to push past social standards and fight our fleshly desires to hate and divide, but to love instead. I can look back and remember times we have reached out to help during funerals or difficult times. He has directed us to simple acts of kindness and sometimes gifts at holidays. I really care about their salvation and I want them all to know that Jesus loves them very much. He has plans for their lives.

You won’t find this advice in any woman’s magazine today, but if you find yourself down the very difficult road of step-parenting, I would encourage you to seek God with everything in you. Ask Him to search your heart and use this for good in each of your lives (Romans 8:28). Beg Him to help you see things through His eyes. Invite Him to help you love with His love. Let Him reveal His love to this wounded child through you. Let Him bring unity to your marriage. Make His glory more important than your rights, your expectations and your plans. Let Him guide you through the very murky waters of boundary lines and worldly division. Drop to your knees in praise as He begins to bring healing and hope to each of your lives.

Being a step-mom has been hard, painful and gut-wrenching at times, but I never cease to be amazed that His ways and His thoughts are not my ways and my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). God has brought so much beauty from these circumstances. He has grown and strengthened our marriage. He has blessed us with more children who bring great joy to our lives. We continue to work diligently on our relationship with this young man and his entire family as we pray for them. We trust that God is at work and wait with hopeful expectation. I look forward to the day I can share again that this young man and his entire family have come to know Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Why Hasn’t Anyone Ever Told Us This Before?

September 19, 2011 by FamilyLife Leave a Comment

by Glenda Lesher

That question was my husband’s first reaction to the first FamilyLife Weekend to Remember we attended.

As we sat through the speaking sessions, laughed at the common problems husbands and wives have, studied our workbook, and did our homework, our eyes had been opened to God’s wonderful and exact plan and purpose for our marriage. Having been followers of Jesus Christ from the day we married and before, we marveled at these “hidden” gems of wisdom from Scripture that we were so ignorant of. Amazingly, we weren’t even familiar with the marriage blueprints of Ephesians 5:22-33, even though we were members of an evangelical church.

Our marriage, like most remarriages, had some challenging issues: blending a family, financial adjustments, unrealistic expectations, disappointments, and even a crisis or two. Primarily, however, we were two entirely different personalities, each carrying wounds from the past. We had also married while we were new Christians without even the benefit of pre-marital counsel. If we had been more mature in the Lord, perhaps we would have known to wait and get the guidance of someone wiser than us.

Of course, there were many, many good times too, especially the birth of our child together….another boy to join his three half-brothers…a cute little blonde with dimples and a happy disposition. Just looking at him would make anyone smile.

Though we grew spiritually and relationally in the new church we decided to join, the FamilyLife event changed everything about how we viewed marriage – especially that our spouse is not our enemy (really?) and that we are to receive our spouse with thanksgiving as a gift from God. I have to admit that my husband didn’t always act like a gift from God, but neither did I. I guess we are slow learners, but it took us years to work everything out. The older we got, the sweeter our relationship became…and we now have grandchildren!

Looking back, I’m so thankful we stayed committed to God and each other. If we hadn’t decided in advance that divorce would not be an option, we would have missed out on so many blessings including the Weekend to Remember that changed our lives. We discovered that God gives abundant grace to those who love Him and who remain steadfast. He does not seek perfect people who have obeyed the letter of the Law, but for those who hunger and thirst for Him and His righteousness (Matthew 5:6; 6:33).

—–

Taking it One-to One:

Are you tempted to quit your marriage (or remarriage)? Don’t give up… the answer may be right around the corner.
Do you need counseling to help you overcome past hurts so that you won’t take it out on your current spouse?
Are you willing to invest some time and money into making your marriage better? A good marriage doesn’t happen automatically, but it can grow with proper nurturing and coaching.
Last but not least, do you hunger and thirst after God and His righteousness? If so, Jesus promises to satisfy.

Preparing My Sons’ Hearts

Purity for a Lifetime

Spiritual Miss-Matched

My Growth as a Step-Mom

Why Hasn’t Anyone Ever Told Us This Before?

Brought to you by…

Get Involved

About Us

Call Toll Free