Pornography

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Mentoring Tips

Make one-to-one mentoring easier by learning what to do and what not to do.  Click to learn more.

Tip#1 – Find your PLACE

  • Pray: simple yet powerful act
  • Listen: people want to feel heard
  • Ask: good questions foster productive dialogue
  • Consider: think slowly and biblically
  • Encourage: uplift rather than beat down
Tip#2 – Avoid the common mistakes

  • Fixing: this is a person, not a project
  • Preaching: walk alongside, don’t talk at or down to them
  • Carrying: show concern but don’t carry too heavy a burden
  • Blaming: no condemnation in Christ Jesus
  • Rescuing: you are not their savior!
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Scriptures
Hope
Help
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Conversations
Starters
    • How long has this been a struggle? What steps have you taken in the past to overcome this?
    • What can you tell me about your media diet: TV, internet, movies, etc.?  Are there certain times or places where you are especially tempted?
    • When was the last time you viewed pornography?
    • What has prompted you to seek help at this time?  Did someone else discover this about you?
    • Who else have you told about this part of your life?  What was their response/counsel to you?
    • What steps have you taken lately to move back toward the righteous lifestyle that God has designed for you?
    • How has this habit affected your home life?  Your work life?
    • If married, how has this affected your marriage?  Have you confessed this to your spouse?
    • What do you believe God’s view of you is during this struggle?  Tell me what you believe is true about God and your relationship to Him right now.
    • What is one small step you can take in the right direction and how can I help you right now to get started?
Deeper Questions
    • Do you believe God’s power is sufficient for you in temptation?
    • What specific steps have you taken in the past to overcome this?
    • Are you willing to put safeguards in place to protect yourself from temptation?  Can we discuss what those safeguards might entail?  (e.g. Covenant Eyes online integrity software)
    • Do you still believe that God can give you the power to change, even if that change takes place gradually over time?
    • Do you understand God’s design for sexuality and how Satan seeks to twist and pervert what God created and called good?
    • Do you believe that God and His Word are your authority?
    • Do you have a redeemed relationship with God through Jesus Christ? If you aren’t sure, please read this article and let’s discuss: “Would You Like to Know God Personally?
    • Have you confessed your sin to God and asked for His forgiveness and for the power to change?
    • Have you been honest with your spouse about your struggles? If so how did those conversations turn out?
    • Do you feel like your spouse is an ally in this struggle against sin?
    • Are you truly really committed to changing this part of your life… whatever it takes?
    • What do you believe God’s view of you is during this struggle?  Tell me what you believe is true about God and your relationship to Him right now.
    • What is one step you can take in the right direction and how can I help you do that?
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Resources
Online Helps
Other Ministry Links
  • Celebrate Recovery  A recovery program that addresses all types of habits, hurts, and hang-ups
  • Covenant Eyes  Accountability and filtering helps you protect your family online
  • Pure Hope  Providing Christian solutions in a sexualized culture
  • Safe Eyes  Software that protects your family from dangers on the internet
  • Setting Captives Free Find freedom from habitual sin, impurity, destructive habits
Books
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Encouragement
Quotes
  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 9

    “‘But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity’ (Ephesians 5:3). If there’s a single Bible verse that captures God’s standard for sexual purity, that is it.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 104

    “You are sexually pure when no sexual gratification comes from anyone or anything but your wife.”

  • - Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is), p. 27

    “Sexual purity is clearly something only God can bring about in your life and mine. God’s standard of not even a hint quickly brings me to the end of my own ability and effort. It reminds me that God’s standard is so much higher than the standards I place for myself.”

  • - Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is), p. 169‐170

    “I don’t think we should make overcoming lust our primary preoccupation—we need to make the gospel and God’s glory our focus. We need to give ourselves to knowing Him, worshipping Him, and meeting with Him every day. The result will be the weakening of lust and a growing passion for godliness.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships, p. 175

    “Until you become pure, until you think, speak, and live out God’s commands in the sexual area, you will always be consciously or unconsciously involved in false worship. Your worship will be for your desires and lust, and it will involve using people to accomplish the purpose of your worship, which is to satisfy yourself. Jesus flatly declared that no one can serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).”

  • - Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Rekindling the Romance, p. 247

    “There’s a reason why Jesus warned, ‘I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart’ (Matthew 5:28). He knew that fantasy and lust were traps for me. When we entertain sexual thoughts about strangers in the theater of our minds, we give ourselves to those images. When we invest our sexual energy with others, we will have little or no sexual energy for our wives.”

  • - Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is), p. 64‐65

    “My bigger outbreaks of sin are usually triggered by smaller sins that I wasn’t diligent in guarding against. I’m talking about the daily, even hourly decisions of what to watch, read, listen to, and allow my mind to think about and my eyes to rest upon.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 85

    “We’ve known those who have failed in their battle for sexual purity, and we know some who have won. The difference? Those who won hated their impurity. They were going to war and were going to win—or die trying. Every resource was leveled upon the foe.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 168

    “If you find someone attractive, your first line of defense is a proper mindset, which is this: ‘This attraction threatens everything I hold dear’.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 70‐71

    “Our maleness is a major root of sexual sin. So what do we do? We must choose to be more than male. We must choose manhood. … You got into this mess by being male; you’ll get out by being a man.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, p. 148

    “If we plant seeds of wanton lust, or seeds of using and abusing people, or seeds of indiscriminate sex and self‐centered pleasure, we should not be surprised by the fields of toxic weeds that cover our lives. But if we want the harvest of a loving, deep, intimate relationship, we need to understand that a loving relationship demands sexual purity.”

  • - Dennis Rainey, Parenting Today’s Adolescent, p. 96

    “Over the years, I have been reticent to take a strong stand on issues that are not clearly spelled out in Scripture. The Bible is silent about the subject of masturbation. However, it is not silent about sex. Nowhere in Scripture do we find God blessing sex done alone.”

  • - Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is) p. 98

    “Even though you won’t find the word ‘masturbation’ in the Bible, God’s Word does address this issue and gives us everything we need to deal with it. Scripture clearly speaks of the danger of lust and shows us what it means to have an accurate view of sex.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 92

    “Sexual impurity isn’t like a tumor growing out of control inside us. We treat it that way when our prayers focus on deliverance, as we plead for someone to come remove it. Actually, sexual impurity is a series of bad decisions on our part—a result of immature character—and deliverance won’t deliver you into instant maturity. Character work needs to be done.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 139

    “If you limit your eyes to your wife only, your own tastes will adapt to what you’re viewing. Your wife’s strengths and weaknesses will become your tastes. Eventually, she’ll be beyond comparison in your eyes.”

  • - Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust is), p. 80‐81

    “When it comes to lust, the greatest misconception about women is that they only deal with lust on an emotional level … Many women struggle with lust in what you might call traditionally male ways … Women, it doesn’t matter if your sex drive is as strong as a guy’s or how it compares to other girls you know. What matters is whether or not you’re looking to God for strength to control the desires you have.”

Next Steps
    • Reassure them that immediate “deliverance” from sexual temptation is not the norm and that for most people recovering from habitual sexual sin will be a deliberate process
    • Encourage them with Scriptures of hope and help
    • Let them know they are not alone, that many others struggle with sexual temptation
    • Assure them that you care about them and plan to be with them to find solutions without casting judgment
    • Encourage them to install Covenant Eyes online integrity software
    • Encourage men to consider seeking friendships and accountability with other men, perhaps through a Men’s Fraternity group
    • Encourage them to invite God into their experience through prayer every day, even as they continue to struggle
    • If married, encourage them to consider attending a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage getaway to get a fresh start in marriage
    • If married, encourage them to remember the importance of marital sexaul intimacy as a first line of defense against sexual temptation (Proverbs 5:15-23)
    • Encourage them to look to God’s Word for daily truth regarding this issue
    • Encourage them to get involved in a local, bible-believing church for spiritual growth and accountability
    • Talk about the limits you and your spouse have put on pornography and how you feel those are working.
    • Discuss how each of you defines pornography.  Talk about ways you define it differently.