Restoration from Sexual Sin

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Mentoring Tips

Make one-to-one mentoring easier by learning what to do and what not to do.  Click to learn more.

Tip#1 – Find your PLACE

  • Pray: simple yet powerful act
  • Listen: people want to feel heard
  • Ask: good questions foster productive dialogue
  • Consider: think slowly and biblically
  • Encourage: uplift rather than beat down
Tip#2 – Avoid the common mistakes

  • Fixing: this is a person, not a project
  • Preaching: walk alongside, don’t talk at or down to them
  • Carrying: show concern but don’t carry too heavy a burden
  • Blaming: no condemnation in Christ Jesus
  • Rescuing: you are not their savior!
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Scriptures
Hope
Help
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Conversations
Starters
    • How would you define sexual purity?
    • Can we take a look at how God’s word defines sexual purity?
    • Are you comfortable discussing this area and seeking perspective from God’s word together?
    • Are you aware of the process of confession, repentance, and forgiveness?
    • Do you believe that God can forgive you of your sins?
    • Do you believe that God still desires a relationship with you in spite of your ongoing struggle with sin?
    • How has past sexual sin affected your marriage? Have you and your spouse ever discussed this together?
    • Have you confessed your sin to God, but still remain plagued by ongoing guilt over the past?
    • I believe the most important relationship a person has in life is the one they have with Jesus Christ. Can you tell me a little about what that means to you?
    • How can I as your mentor help encourage you right now?
Deeper Questions
    • Have you spoken with your pastor or a Christian counselor?
    • Have you repented and “turned away from” your sin?
    • Are you keeping secrets about your past from your spouse?  If not, how did your spouse react when told them about your past?
    • What would forgiveness from your spouse look like?
    • Do you believe Christ’s sacrifice is enough for you? (1 John 2:2)
    • Are you setting appropriate boundaries in your life to avoid this in the future?
    • Do you have an ongoing relationship with Jesus Christ on a daily basis and do you understand how important this is to true freedom from guilt?
    • If you are a Christian, have you asked God to lift this burden? (Matthew 11:28-30)
    • Are you willing to let God rebuild your life now according to His plan?
    • Do you have past or current behaviors that make you feel guilty or embarrassed?  Can we talk about how God wants you to get a fresh start in those areas and has provided a way to do that?
    • Do you know how to have God’s power for victory in this area?
    • Have you taken time to prayerfully consider how sexual impurity has affected your marriage relationship?
    • What might be one small step you could take today to move in the right direction and experience God’s power and joy?
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Resources
Online Helps
Other Ministry Links
  • Celebrate Recovery  A recovery program that addresses all types of habits, hurts, and hang-ups
  • Covenant Eyes  Accountability and filtering helps you protect your family online
  • Groundwire Online help for teens, specializing in crisis situations like cutting, suicide, drug use, etc.
  • Visit Pure Freedom founded by Bob and Dannah Gresh, provides resources to equip men and women of all ages to live lives of purity.
  • Pure Hope  Providing Christian solutions in a sexualized culture
  • Safe Eyes  Software that protects your family from dangers on the internet
  • Setting Captives Free Find freedom from habitual sin, impurity, destructive habits
Books
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Encouragement
Quotes
  • - Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Wife, p. 144

    “The past should not be a place where we live, but something from which we learn. We are to forget ‘those things which are behind’ and reach ‘forward to those things which are ahead,’ and we’re to ‘press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus’ (Philippians 3:13, 14). God is a redeemer and a restorer. We need to allow Him to be both. He can redeem the past and restore what was lost. He can make up for the bad things that had happened (Psalm 90:15).”

  • - Dennis and Barbara Rainey, The New Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, p. 98

    “Never pry about the past, but let your spouse know you are always available to listen … Details serve only to kindle the imagination, causing you to replay a scene or an event. They could tempt you to condemn your mate.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, p. 148

    “If we plant seeds of wanton lust, or seeds of using and abusing people, or seeds of indiscriminate sex and self-centered pleasure, we should not be surprised by the fields of toxic weeds that cover our lives. But if we want the harvest of a loving, deep, intimate relationship, we need to understand that a loving relationship demands sexual purity.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 39

    “I, along with many other teens, had used unmarried sex to meet the legitimate longing for intimacy. Sensing the need inside, I had tried to fill it with a tangible relationship. What I didn’t realize was that all people are sinners, and no one could meet my need for total acceptance and love except God.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, p. 175

    “Until you become pure, until you think, speak, and live out God’s commands in the sexual area, you will always be consciously or unconsciously involved in false worship. Your worship will be for your desires and lust, and it will involve using people to accomplish the purpose of your worship, which is to satisfy yourself. Jesus flatly declared that no one can serve two masters (Matthew 6:24).”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 62

    “For some young married couples, financial difficulties may be exacerbated as a result of premarital sex. If a young man fathers a child out of wedlock, he must support that child financially. Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) require visits to the doctor. And STDs frequently cause infertility. If a young person suffering from an STD marries and wants children, it can lead to huge expenditures for fertility treatments and surgeries.”

  • - Dennis and Barbara Rainey, The New Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, p. 151

    “When you forgive your mate’s failures, you give up your right to punish. Forgiveness is an act of the will—a deliberate choice that means you will not retaliate when you feel the other person has wronged you.”

  • - Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 283

    “True repentance will lead to feelings of indignity and anger at the past damage, a desire to make restitution, and a renewed longing for purity and godliness (2 Corinthians 7:11).”

  • - Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues, p. 85

    “The word virgin means pure. Even after a woman has yielded her virginity, she can become pure in her sexual thoughts and attitude, in her dress and demeanor, and how she relates to men. The blood of Jesus Christ can wash us clean and make our sins white as snow. Such a woman can become a virgin in every way but technically.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 78

    “Enjoying in premarital sex creates a hindrance to healthy marital sex, may cause health problems, increases the risk of infidelity, and intensifies family difficulties.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 85

    “A couple with a history of premarital sex has established their union on a foundation of sand–that of hedonism. ‘Hedonism’ means the pursuit of personal pleasure. When personal pleasure is the root of intimacy, everything springing up from that root will be tainted with deficiency.”

  • - Dan Allender, Bold Love, p. 300

    “Covering over sin involves the choice consciously and purposely to turn our eyes away from the transgression, without ignoring or denying the damage. Peter tells us, ‘Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins’ (1 Peter 4:8).”

  • - Fred Stoeker and Stephen Arterburn, Every Man’s Battle, p. 92

    “Sexual impurity isn’t like a tumor growing out of control inside us. We treat it that way when our prayers focus on deliverance, as we plead for someone to come remove it. Actually, sexual impurity is a series of bad decisions on our part—a result of immature character—and deliverance won’t deliver you into instant maturity. Character work needs to be done.”

  • - Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, Intimate Issues, p. 136-139

    “Follow these steps for getting over the guilt of an abortion: remembering, confessing, and renouncing the sin (Proverbs 28:13), asking forgiveness (Psalm 25:11), accepting forgiveness (Psalm 130:3-4), and releasing your child to God (Mark 10:14).”

  • - Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, p. 96

    “Behind virtually every case of marital dissatisfaction lies unrepented sin. Couples don’t fall out of love so much as they fall out of repentance.”

  • - Dan Allender and Tremper Longman, Intimate Allies, p. 116

    “The most successful marriage is a marriage where forgiveness is often sought and richly given.”

Next Steps
    •  Esteem your mentee for reaching out to a mentor right now and encourage them to let God search their heart.
    • Encourage your mentee to get involved in a local, Bible-believing church for spiritual growth and accountability.
    • Remind your mentee that forgiveness is neither a feeling, nor forgetting, nor excusing. (Ken Sande, The Peacemaker p. 187)
    • Remind your mentee that God is not through with him/her yet. (Philippians 1:6)
    • Encourage your mentee that he who is forgiven much is able to love much. (Luke 7:36-50)
    • Encourage the mentee to use this struggle as motivation to teach the next generation to follow God. (Luke 7:36-50)
    • Encourage the mentee that she is not alone if she has had an abortion. “40 percent of women of childbearing age in this country have experienced an abortion.” (Bob Lepine, “The Invisible Bond: Sliding Toward Shame“ FLT broadcast)
    • Encourage your mentee to visit Freedom Bound Ministry (http://www.barbarawilson.org/)
    • Encourage your mentee to believe there is a better day ahead and that God does not intend for them to go through life being continually burdened by guilt over past sexual sin.
    • Encourage your mentee to be completely honest, to confess specific sins to God, and then to believe in His forgiveness.
    • Encourage your mentee to have frank and honest discussion about this area with their spouse.
    • Talk about the limits you and your spouse have put on pornography and how you feel those are working.
    • Discuss how each of you defines pornography.  Talk about ways you define it differently.
    • Talk with your spouse about what helps you to get in the mood for sex.
    • Ask your spouse how often they would like you to initiate sex.
    • Discuss with your partner the frequency of sex in your marriage and if you each feel this is satisfactory.
    • If there are any specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, discuss those with your spouse.
    • Try to think of one thing you could you do to make your sexual relationship more gratifying.