Sexual Purity

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Mentoring Tips

Make one-to-one mentoring easier by learning what to do and what not to do.  Click to learn more.

Tip#1 – Find your PLACE

  • Pray: simple yet powerful act
  • Listen: people want to feel heard
  • Ask: good questions foster productive dialogue
  • Consider: think slowly and biblically
  • Encourage: uplift rather than beat down
Tip#2 – Avoid the common mistakes

  • Fixing: this is a person, not a project
  • Preaching: walk alongside, don’t talk at or down to them
  • Carrying: show concern but don’t carry too heavy a burden
  • Blaming: no condemnation in Christ Jesus
  • Rescuing: you are not their savior!
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Scriptures
Hope
  • 1 John 2:16-17 (the lusts of the world are passing away, but the one who does the will of God abides forever)
  • Song of Solomon 4:1‐16 (a picture of romantic love in marriage)
  • Galatians 5:16 (walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out desires of the flesh)
  • Galatians 5:22-25 (the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace...)
  • 1 John 1:8-10 (if we confess our sin, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse us from all unrighteousness)
Help
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Conversations
Starters
    • How would you define sexual purity?
    • Can we take a look at how God’s word defines sexual purity?
    • Are you comfortable discussing the area of sexual purity and seeking God’s wisdom together in that area?
    • Do you have past or current behaviors that make you feel guilty or embarrassed? Can we talk about how God wants you to get a fresh start in those areas and has provided a way to do that?
    • Do you know how to have God’s power for victory in this area?
    • Are you aware of how sexual purity (or lack of it) affects future relationships… especially a marriage?
    • Do you ever decide to live differently, but experience defeat? What have you done in response to this ongoing struggle?
    • What safeguards have you put into place to protect you from temptation in this area?
    • What might be one small step you could take today to move toward complete sexually purity as God has designed it?
    • Are you aware of how God’s standards around sex are for your joy and not as a way to punish you or rob you of fulfillment now?
    • How can I as your mentor help encourage you right now?
    • What does “affection” look like to you?
    • What was affection like in your family growing up (verbal and non-verbal)?
    • What would you like to be different in the way your family (or your spouse) shows affection?
    • How did your father and mother show affection differently?
    • On a scale of 1-10, how much affection do you feel like you have in your marriage right now? What would you like it to be if you could patiently and gently affect
      change?
    • Have you and your spouse discussed your sexual past with one another?  When did you do that?  Do you feel that each of you were fully honest in that disclosure?
Deeper Questions
    • Which of the following have you heard/said?

            –  “If you really love me, you will let me…”

            –  “Everyone’s doing it”

            –  “We’re going to get married anyway”

    • Which approach would you say is more wise in the area of sexual purity: avoiding difficult situations altogether or making on-the-spot choices to remain pure?  Which approach do you take?
    • What boundaries have you set to avoid temptation?
    • Name one good friend who could hold you accountable for sexual purity?
    • If you have past mistakes, what steps have you taken to seek forgiveness and a new start?
    • Do you share values in the area of sexual purity with the person you’re dating, or is one person pressuring the other?
    • How have you ever surrendered this area of your life to God and committed to obeying His commands?
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Resources
Online Helps
Other Ministry Links
  • Celebrate Recovery  A recovery program that addresses all types of habits, hurts, and hang-ups
  • Covenant Eyes  Accountability and filtering helps you protect your family online
  • Visit Pure Freedom founded by Bob and Dannah Gresh, provides resources to equip men and women of all ages to live lives of purity.
  • Pure Hope  Providing Christian solutions in a sexualized culture
  • Safe Eyes  Software that protects your family from dangers on the internet
  • Setting Captives Free Find freedom from habitual sin, impurity, destructive habits
Books
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Encouragement
Quotes
  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 32

    “Often dating encourages intimacy for the sake of intimacy—two people getting close to each other without any real intention of making a long-term commitment … It’s like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn’t sure that she wants the responsibility of holding your rope.”

  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 37

    “Physical involvement can distort two people’s perspective of each other and lead to unwise choices. God also knows we’ll carry the memories of our past physical involvements into marriage. He doesn’t want us to live with guilt and regret.”

  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 65

    “We need to throw out the misconception that love is some strange force that tosses us around like leaves in the wind against our will. We cannot justify doing what we know is wrong by saying that love grabbed hold of us and ‘made’ us behave irresponsibly. That’s not love. Instead, it’s what the Bible calls in 1 Thessalonians 4:5, ‘passionate lust.’”

  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 92

    “Many couples have made commitments to sexual purity, but instead of adopting a lifestyle that supports this commitment, they continue relationships that encourage physical expression and place themselves in dangerous settings. The path you take with your feet should never contradict the conviction of your heart.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, p. 112

    “Research indicates that once an uncommitted couple gets involved in sexual intercourse, the relationship usually begins to end.”

  • - Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, p. 121

    “Our culture has gotten confused about the difference between love and sex in two ways: (1) We have tried to separate love and sex, describing sex as a harmless and meaningless form of casual entertainment between people who have no lasting commitment, and (2) we have tried to make sex and love almost synonymous, so that great love means great sex and great sex means great love. Both are mistakes.”

  • - Shannon Etheridge, Every Woman’s Battle, p. 117

    “One of the concepts that I impress upon women is that we teach people how to treat us. We either teach them to treat us with respect or we teach them to treat us with disrespect.”

  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 206

    “Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you’re involved in three kinds of relationships: your relationship with the person you’re interested in; your relationships with the people around you, including family and friends; and most important, your relationship with God. You have a responsibility toward each.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 78

    “Enjoying in premarital sex creates a hindrance to healthy marital sex, may cause health problems, increases the risk of infidelity, and intensifies family difficulties.”

  • - Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, p. 208-209

    “When we find ourselves attracted to someone, we need to make building a deeper friendship our first priority. Too often we believe that relating in a romantic, exclusive relationship will automatically mean we’ll be closer and know each other better. But that doesn’t always happen… Remember, as soon as we unleash our emotions in romantic love, our objectivity begins to fade. For this reason, we need to focus on developing a closer friendship with a potential partner before introducing romance.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p. 9

    “‘But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity’ (Ephesians 5:3). If there’s a single Bible verse that captures God’s standard for sexual purity; that is it.”

  • - Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage, p. 223

    “Teens are urged to wait because by doing so their future marital relations will be all the sweeter. Faithfulness seasons the marital bed in many delightful and profound ways.”

  • - Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle, p.42

    “We aren’t victims of some vast conspiracy to ensnare us sexually; we’ve simply chosen to mix in our standards of sexual conduct with God’s standard.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 62

    “For some young married couples, financial difficulties may be exacerbated as a result of premarital sex. If a young man fathers a child out of wedlock, he must support that child financially. Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) require visits to the doctor. STDs frequently cause infertility. If a young person suffering from an STD marries and wants children, it can lead to huge expenditures for fertility treatments and surgeries.”

  • - Heather Jamison, Reclaiming Intimacy, p. 39

    “I, along with many other teens, had used unmarried sex to meet the legitimate longing for intimacy. Sensing the need inside, I had tried to fill it with a tangible relationship. What I didn’t realize was that all people are sinners, and no one could meet my need for total acceptance and love except God.”

  • - Bob Lepine, FamilyLife Today Broadcast

    “By engaging in pre-marital sex, a person is saying to his or her partner, ‘I am a person who is willing to have sex with someone I’m not married to.’ That person’s partner is also communicating this back to them. Even if the couple goes on to get married and remain faithful, doubts can enter into their thinking because of their past willingness to indulge in sex outside of marriage. These doubts can weaken their emotional intimacy even after they get married.”

Next Steps
    •  Esteem your mentee for reaching out to a mentor at this time.
    • Encourage your mentee to get involved in a local, Bible-believing church for spiritual growth and accountability.
    • Encourage your mentee to be committed to purity, not just technical virginity.  Help him/her understand the difference.
    • Encourage your mentee to be committed to emotional purity, not just physical purity.
    • Encourage your mentee not to let his past defeats to keep him from being pure from this time forward.
    • Encourage your mentee to see moral purity as an integral part of womanhood and manhood, and as an important investment into their future marriage relationship.
    • Encourage your mentee to see that boundaries are for protection and joy.
    • Encourage your mentee to pray daily about this area of life.
    • Encourage your mentee to decide on appropriate boundaries ahead of time and to guard against compromising situations.
    • Encourage your mentee to examine his/her media intake, such as internet sites visited, TV viewing, etc., that affect viewpoint on this area and might lead to temptation.
    • Encourage your mentee to realize that marital intimacy in the future will be well worth the wait sexually now.
    • Encourage your mentee to pursue God first and trust that “all these things will be added” later (Matthew 6:33)
    • Talk to your spouse about what affection was like in your family growing up (verbal and non-verbal).
    • Think about how your father and mother may have shown affection differently.
    • Discuss ways your family could express more affection for one another.
    • On a scale of 1-10, rate how much affection you feel you have in your marriage right now. Talk about what you would like it to be if you and your spouse could agree on how to gently and patiently bring about change.
    • Consider discussing your sexual past with your spouse in a way that is open and honest.
    • Talk about the limits you and your spouse have put on pornography and how you feel those are working.
    • Discuss how each of you defines pornography.  Talk about ways you define it differently.